The "F" Word

When you think of the “F” word, what is the first thing that comes to mind? On second thought, don’t answer that. I don’t want you putting your mind in the gutter. The word I’m referencing is “Forgiveness,” and it is a word that is easier said than done. I thought I had fully forgiven those who took pieces of me. However, on a recent trip, I came across a person from my past. I saw that life had really beat him down. For the first time, all of the suppressed rage and anger resurfaced. I felt that he was receiving his karma for what was done to me. For a split second, I didn’t feel bad at all. I recognized what I did and immediately begin to pray. I know the condition of my heart. Regardless of what was done, deep down I never want to see anyone suffer. Yet alone take joy in it. It caused me to take a deeper look at myself. I realized that I never truly forgiven those individuals who hurt me, nor have I completely let those situations go.

“Get over it,” “let it go,” “move on” are some of the phrases I would hear people say. My response was always “How? You don’t know what these people did to me.” I didn’t realize the effects of holding on to something that I was never meant to carry. I allowed my hate to affect my life. Yes, I hated them, which in turned caused me to hate myself. However, I never showed my emotions. I remained cordial with those who hurt me. Why? You may ask; traumatic events are processed differently. In my case, I shut out all accounts of things that occurred. I always felt as if it were my fault. Maybe, I did something to cause these things to happen. So, if it was out of my mind, I didn’t have to deal with it.

How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? How could you possibly begin to let go of all the pain it caused? How do you get over the guilt and shame that was placed upon you? My response is to face it, sit with it and feel every part of it. It will hurt. Eventually, you will work through it and heal from it. This wasn’t an easy process for me. In fact, I am still working through it, but I know in order for me to completely heal I have to forgive and let go. Every time something seems impossible, I am reminded of one of my favorite scriptures.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

- Philippians 4:13